Monday, August 11, 2014

WWE Raw 8-8-14

Show starts with them hyping up Hulk's birthday, complete with giant red and yellow gift boxes on the ramp. Brock has his streak shirt changed with a Cena sticker that is in his NEW MERCH COLORS OF RED AND GOLD. Heyman said in 6 days, he becomes the advocate for the WWE HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF THE WORLD, BROCK LESNAR! Heyman says his goal is to sell Summerslam on the Cenation - well, they're at least honest. Heyman repeats the first lesson I learned in high school history class - those who forget history are doomed to repeat it. Heyman said that BROCK CONQUERED THE STREAK, and in his rookie year, he beat the Rock who wasn't seen for 9 months. He took Hogan out too and if Hogan went for revenge, there would be no birthday celebration tonight. "When Cena says YOU CAN'T SEE ME, HE AIN'T LYIN - AFTER SUMMERSLAM, YOU AIN'T GONNA SEE HIM AROUND HERE ANYMORE!" - Greatness. Heyman showed photos for the ER 2012 match, and added in that diveriticulitis cost him his UFC career and led to the loss against Cena. BROCK IS 100% now, and "My client is Brock Lesnar, and I'm just his advocating jew!" This rap was so amazing, and he promised Brock would be back later, basically to whoop some ass. They shilled for the Network. Flo Rida wished Hulk a happy 21st birthday. Weird Al and his accordion wished him a happy birthday as well.

It's HISTORIC RAW #1,107! Roman's out and so is MR. KANE! I hope Kane talks about them acquiring the proper forms for Hogan's gifts. He's in a 2-on-1 match against Rybaxel. OH NO, CAN ROMAN BEAT THE GUYS THAT THE DUST BROTHERS HAVE ZERO TROUBLE WITH!? Ryback told Axel to TAG IN THE NUT JOB! Well, he's in a blue singlet, red and black arm gear, white kneepads, and black and red boots. They are doing absolutely nothing of note here beyond Ryback doing a wacky Finlay-style headbutt to prevent a Reigns attack on Axel on the apron. They went to a break and Ryback ate offense. Ryback is Warlord-levels of immobile due to his size. They shilled the Network horribly here. Ref calls for a DQ after the heels post him. THE FUCK!? What a shitty finish. And match. Best part was the Styles Club sign that made air after the DQ. Roman punched them both and speared Axel. They had a cool slow-mo of the apron kick. Renee met with Roman, who took a while to get his wind back. He said that the Viper would be a WORTHLESS LITTTTTLEEE WORRMMMM. BELIEVE THAT! Lord no. Kane and Orton met for more bad acting. "At Summerslam. I will end. Roman Reigns." "Well Randy, your match. At Summerslam. Will be one of. Your toughest challenges to date." Orton is a trained actor, right? Stephanie's Confession is coming later, and some interview Cole did with Bray and Jericho. RVD's out to face Seth next.

 BUT FIRST, we get a Beat the Clock recap. I completely forgot about this beat the clock angle, but I spent the weekend watching G1 stuff, so...yeah, I regret nothing.  Seth has a new shirt - it's basically the Billy and Chuck logo, but in yellow with SR on it. JBL referenced the hat angle and the Dukes of Hazzard. "RVD asking the WWE fans in the front row to kindly get out of the way" led to the spinning kick/legdrop thingy. They came back from a break with the traditional post-break chinlock. RVD ate a curb stomp after Seth avoided the monkey flip - RVD's worth keeping around just to sell finishers. Cole said Seth COULD cash in tonight. Yes, WILL SETH ROLLINS CASH IN ON JOHN CENA SO HE CAN FACE BROCK FUCKING LESNAR.  Seth went to the boxes and flinched around the big box, and sure enough, Dean jumped him. Seth going after Hogan's gift made no sense at all. "RUN SETH, RUN WHILE YA STILL CAN CUZ THERE'S NO HIDING IN A LUMBERJACK MATCH! IN SIX DAYS, YOUR ASS BELONGS TO ME AND FOR JUST $9.99, I'LL GET MORE THAN MY MONEY'S WORTH!" The divas theme played over all of this to set up Steph coming out. OH THANK GOD SLAM CITY HAS MORE EPISODES! These clips looked terrible - Rock's copycat was okay though.

Steph's mid-ring and they recapped the awful bit last week with them. Steph said Brie was an employee. Wrestlers are employees now? Steph's bringing Bryan up and how his rehab isn't going well, so she's brought his physical therapist here. Steph says Megan is the victim here. Um what? We're not getting a Claire Lynch angle are we? Megan's cute, but her acting skills are a tad limited. Her boyfriend left her and she can't be his physical therapist anymore because. BECAUSE. OF THINGS THAT HAPPENED SO INNOCENTLY! The crowd is blatantly shitting on Bryan being even affiliated with a shitty angle like this. Fans not digging the idea of Bryan being in this in any way. Maybe that means he'll be main eventing the Tokyo Dome in 2 years though. A stick figure dressed like Brie Bella came out. "Megan, tell Brie what you said after every physical therapy session - YES YES YES!" Brie got the Yes Lock. Okay, so we've seen the Pedigree AND THE YES LOCK before the match. Some athletes gave Hogan well-wishes. Not even rich football players use the WWE Network to show Hogan off to their kids.

Swagger-Rusev recap. Swagger's out to face Cesaro, who got no intro. No mention of their match last week or Swagger running Alberto out of the company LIVE ON THE WWE NETWORK! They did moves for a bit and the announcers were so enthralled they talked about core strength and how Ron broke 2 of JBL's ribs at one point. Rib tape gets torn off, setting up a FIGHTING SPIRIT SWAGGER BOMB for 2. SWAGGER COUNTERED THE DEADLIFT SUPERPLEX and clotheslines Cesaro into the ring after an apron exchange. SLIDING EUROPEAN UPPERCUT FROM CESARO gets 2. Swagger won with the ankle lock before Zeb was all xenophobic about the Russians. They went to do the WE THE PEOPLE bit, BUT THE RUSSIAN FLAG INTERRUPTED THEM! Okay, that ruled.

Wyatt-Jericho recap. Outside of the Heyman rap, the best part of Raw has been the Claire Lynch comparisons and comedy caused by the Brie angle. OH THANK GOD THEY'RE GOING TO INFORM US ABOUT THE WWE NETWORK! Interview time. Bray and Jericho met with Cole in a generic room. Bray's character looks so weird in this setting. Bray's turquoise and orange shirt matches the painting in the room. Bray said Chris's childhood dream was to top his father, which he couldn't do. Bray just remembers his parents' screams, and he wants to help those who can't help themselves now. Words words words words words. A scowl, and someone is miced up and hitting it with their hand. Jericho has grown a slight goatee and he says he's a survivor. Jericho's going to follow the buzzards, AND SHOVE THEM DOWN BRAY'S THROAT TO SHUT HIM UP FOR GOOD! Cole said this was CHILLING AT TIMES! In the sense some were bored to death, sure.

Cole congratulated THE WWE UNIVERSE for making SD #1 10 weeks in a row. AJ faced Eva's ass. DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY FINISH thanks to Paige skipping around. Paige had a rhyming poem for AJ. Poetry with Paige would be Network buys. AJ attacked Eva afterwards. Main Event will have an Usos Open Challenge for the tag titles - I guess the Ascension could come in and win leading to a pre-show rematch. Cena's out to respond. Cena's cream-colored shorts and red kneepads are certainly a new look. Not a good look, but a new one. Cena tried to do a Heyman impression. Cena AIN'T GONNA LAY DOWN FOR BROCK AND YOU CAN TAKE THAT ANYWAY YA WANT TA! This promo isn't doing a thing for me. Cena said Brock's view OF THE BUSINESS was idiotic. If Brock had his viewpoint and made him no money, it would be idiotic. He's made millions, so it's not. Also, on-air, they've never really explained the meaning behind that whole deal. He referenced people saying WHEN DOES JOHN CENA TURN, AND STOP BEING ABOUT THE T-SHIRTS AND BALL CAPS!? ON SUNDAY, WE SEE A JOHN CENA WE'VE NEVER SEEN BEFORE! Also, THIS HOUSE belongs to the WWE Universe. Cena said HE'S IN YOUR HOUSE! IN YOUR HOUSE!? MAGGLE THAT'S ON THE WWE NETWORK FOR ONLY $9.99! Cena mocked Brock's ailment that nearly killed him. Brock's got PUNK-BITCHITIS - WE GETTING SERIOUS! After Raw, they'll do a Cena-Brock profile piece. Brie-Steph was recapped AND IT'S NEXT! Until the bait and switch.

Larry King sent a birthday wish to Hogan. Florida Georgia Line wished him a HAPPY FRICKIN BIRTHDAY! Brie's out, and Steph's out not to compete BECAUSE MEGAN MILLER HAS PRESSED CHARGES! They redid the arrest bit with Steph being amazing. A hard rock-ish version of Miz played while he debuted a fantastic blue slacks and white blazer WITH BLUE TRIM! Heath's a heel for whatever reason. Dolph's wearing Miz's shirt for some reason. To throw it at him. IT NEARLY HIT THE MONEY MAKER leading to Miz saying "THERE MIGHT NOT BE A MARINE 5!". What a great line. The Marine franchise should just be a excuse to have Miz play hero and Maryse parade around in small bikinis in HD. JBL pulled Miz's mic cord out. Miz's wife, dog, AND MIZ BRANDING TEAM will be at Summerslam! Dolph went after Miz and lost after kicking Miz's ass. HEATH' STREAK CONTINUES! A huge Slater chant broke out and Dolph hit a Zig Zag after Heath went for a kick.

MIZ TV GETS ROMAN REIGNS ON SD! Orton's out for his match with whoever it is. Maybe 2 dudes. Oh wow - it's Sheamus! Sheamus is 2 years older than Orton and looks at least 5 years younger - good for him. They started with some clubbing. Thank God Cole's here to add interest with WWE FACTS! The commentators discussed snake anatomy in relation to Roman's statement earlier. Orton took control of the match ON THE WWE APP! Orton gave Sheamus a back suplex on the announce table without moving shit - so Sheamus took a nasty bump. Cole said there was no "Absinthe of malicth". Orton mocked the chest thumping, while Sheamus did the slither and chest bumps. Sheamus went for the battering ram off the top, BUT ORTON RKOD HIM! That ruled. This was a fun match. I hope they redo that a bit with Orton countering a spear ala WWE 2K15 by DDting him mid-move. Hogan's birthday is next.

They previewed the Brock-Cena deal. "I'M THE BADDEST MOTHERFUCKER THAT WALKS ON THIS PLANET!" This'll be fun! Mean Gene and Jimmy Hart are mid-ring! The roster's out on the ramp, including the New Nation claps along in matching gear. XAVIER STILL LOOKS LIKE A GOOF! They had a nice Hogan highlight video set to a licensed song in "Forever Young" - and even included some Memphis footage. This was honestly one of the company's better video packages in a long time. Hulk said he was speechless IN THIS RING! He got off one more "WELL YA KNOW SOMETHING MEAN GENE!" Hogan getting $9.99 in a birthday card is amazing. Hogan put over being 61 now. Hogan really does look great for 61, especially given all that he's put his body through. Ric's still looking slim and moving great! It's so great to see him in good health again after the rough half-decade or so he's had. MR WONDERFUL CAME OUT IN HIS ROBE AND WITH HIS WACKY WCW THEME! He got one last intro! Piper's out, but gets interrupted by HALL AND NASH! Hall went from looking great at the HOF to ungodly bad again. Hall did the survey bit. I kinda like that Nash and Hall's hair matches the NWO logo now. Hogan showed off the NWO shirt and Nash sang happy birthday to Hulk. BROCK'S OUT! This would be so much more fun if any one of them could bump. Maybe Nash could. A fan has an IT'S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMN IT sign in 2014. Lots of all-time greats in the ring right now. We got a Brock-Hogan staredown before Cena ran down. Cena entered and Brock just left. THE WWE NETWORK will have the rest of the birthday deal.

Slater and Gator tried to deliver a really shitty cake, but it hit Titus! They give Hulk a 9.99 cake and King points out that EVERYONE WATCHING ALREADY KNOWS THAT. Welcome to every PPV ad Network users get. He got confetti! AND GIANT BALLOONS! Jesus Christ the whole arena is full of confetti! 

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