Tuesday, August 19, 2014

WCW Great American Bash 1999

I have absolutely no recollection of this show, but it's been nominated on The F4W/WO Board as the post-Main Event show to watch, so let's give it a shot. The 2000 edition of GAB was my final WCW PPV, and I don't think I've ever seen the '99 version. A white limo is ALL UP IN OUR AREA with the No Limit Soldiers. Master P meets with Curt Hennig - HE'S BOUT IT BOUT IT! I love him destroying the CD and then Master P hides behind Swoll, who lives up to his name. This Nash-Savage video is ridiculous. "YOU'RE A STUPID PERSON!" "RANDY, PUT DOWN THE BUCKET! Savage and Nash recreate Taker-Stephanie leading to THE WHITE HUMMER ANGLE! Mike Tenay putting over Master P as THE MOST DIVERSE ENTERTAINER OF OUR TIME is just surreal. WHAT IN THE FUCK IS THIS VIDEO PACKAGE!? THERE'S 500 THOUSAND THINGS GOING ON IN IT! We've got Disco-Buff, Sting-Rick Steiner, Hak-Knobs, and Savage-Nash. Hart's reforming the First Family - well good for him. This Bash-filled set is pretty awesome.

Knobs is out with a white, pink, and black Nasty shirt and a vest. Knobs as a singles guy is odd, but this is the right division for him. Knobs promised his wife he'd destroy Hak tonight and changes this from a Kendo Stick match to a hardcore one, I think. Chastity's all dressed up in a nice dress and still looks like a sleazy stripper. Hak has a shitty theme and a generic entrance - at least WWE let him keep the entrance and changed the theme to something that was catchy. Okay, so Knobs doesn't want a hardcore match - he just wants to wail on him with his fists. Knobs attacks Hak and Tenay says IT'S THE FIRST SWERVE OF THE NIGHT! Pitty city leads to clubbering, ladder shots, and chair shots.

I love Hak's flip bump for the ladder in the corner. Knobs does the Funk ladder bit. Knobs gets tossed into the ladder, but Hak misses a somersault dive onto it. Knobs tries to send Hak into a chair held by Hart, but Hak reverses and Knobs brains himself leading to a cane shot for the win. BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE! Hugh Morrus is out for a spike piledriver. Because this opener really needed this stuff. Fun match. Moonsault onto the ladder onto Hak. What a stupid-ass move - PUT THE LADDER UNDERNEATH THE GUY! Knobs comes off with a flying can splash, crunching it into his own stomach over the ladder. What a stupid set of spots.

Piper and Buff are backstage saying shit. Buff looks like a goof with a yellow beanie on. Mikey's out in his fantastic shirt to face Van Hammer. Hammer's theme is sadly not his '92 one, but one of the regular WCW rotating ones - it's a good song though. They lock up and do basic chain wrestling for God knows what reason since neither guy is good at it. Nice-looking legdrop from Hammer gets 2 since he doesn't cover - guys doing a legdrop with Hogan in a company and not getting a win always seems odd. It really undermines Hogan's finisher. Okay, Hammer cheated with the ropes on an abdominal stretch, so he's the heel. Hammer gets a spinebuster and a cobra clutch slam for a win. This sucked.

Disco's out to face Buff, whose theme was one of the few that really worked in the WWF as well. This gimmick has to be the best gimmick makeover in WCW history. Disco focuses on dancing, while Buff punches away. Tenay says that since Disco's already been TV champ, he's already got one-up on Buff - which is a valid point. Tony congratulates people for graduating from high school, leading to Bobby, a 7th grade dropout, saying "don't forget the famous saying - do you want fries with that?" Bobby truly did overachieve to an epic degree. Disco gets the stunner on the floor and celebrates like a moron. Disco teases a piledriver while they talk about the bad neck. Disco does the macarena and gets backdropped for it. Disco avoids the Blockbuster, so Buff waits for him to get up to do it again and get the win.

Hennig and Duncum Jr. are out and both Tenay and Tony are just astonished that Hennig recorded a song. Tony QUOTES DJ AND GETTIN ALL UP IN YA AREA! Rey and Konnan are out in gas masks, and Konnan is in red overalls. Master P is the CEO of No Limit Records, Clothing, Films, AND Toys! Thanks Mike! Rey went HOOTY HOO. This is such a fucking time capsule. Konnan lifts Rey into kicking Bobby to the floor - nice spot. Duncum looks at least 10 years older than he should. Master P cheapshots Hennig! Tony puts over the No Limit Records and Tommy Boy Records deals they've signed. Hennig bonks Rey's knee into Bobby's knee in the corner. Rey as the face in peril here is perfect. Perfect dropkick sends him down hard. Hennig lifts him up high for an inverted atomic drop that looks fantastic. THEN HE DANCES! Bobby pulls Rey's balls into the post, which Bobby defends by saying he's holding the tag rope in the process - fantastic! Konnan tags in, but the ref doesn't see it, so the heels cheat with choking. REY GETS THE TAG and Konnan runs wild with a back kick to the gut followed by the facebuster to Bobby and he throws Rey into Hennig for the bronco buster. Konnan face jams Hennig. Rey gets a rana leading to Windham coming out. Big Swoll attacks Hennig leading to a win for the faces. The Rednecks attack the Animals after the match.

The Cat is facing Scott Norton for whatever reason. Nope, it's Horace, and both he and Cat are in equally generic black singlets. Horace's has NWO in white on the back, while Cat's has CAT in red text. THESE TWO SUCK. And they have no chemistry. Onoo's with Cat in a bright yellow suit. Tony describes this as brutal - well, he's not wrong. Cat wins with the Feliner and a generic theme song. His dance moves are fantastic. A Piper-Flair Presidency video airs, with Piper burying Flair's finances. Piper looks so old body-wise in this video. Both Piper and Benoit have armbands for Owen here. Flair's out first with Asya and Arn, and some pyro. Flair is President and Piper is the Commissioner. Piper has no shirt on, and is just coming out with the kilt. Piper and Flair chop and punch away. Flair's in red trunks and blue kneepads. Piper grabs the balls for some offense. Piper continues the attack, but Flair goes to the ropes and hits a mule kick low blow in the corner. Yet another low blow followed by a moon spot off the sunset flip for 2. So we get Kat's boobs censored, but not Flair's bare ass. PIPER PUNCHES ARN ON THE FLOOR and he actually bumps for it. Over the top sunset flip from Piper gets 2. Flair pulls out taped up knucks and hits him with it, but Flair's too tired to cover. It only gets 2. Figure four with help from Arn. BUFF COMES OUT AND PUNCHES ARN. Second bump of the night for Arn. Buff comes in and we don't get a winner - wasn't Buff trying to get Piper to win!? Piper rightfully attacks this moron. ARN GETS THE SPINEBUSTER and a huge pop. So to recap - Buff wants to help Piper to win, so he prevents the win and ensures a loss. ARN GETS THE SPINEBUSTER, and then all the old guys beat up Buff. Because why not. The match wasn't very good, but Arn was a highlight and the whole storyline here is just awful. Piper kicks Buff's ass after the match with a belt for good measure.

We get a full Rick Steiner-Sting recap. They apparently had a taped fist Caged Heat/ABSOLUTELY NOT A HELL IN A CELL match. Tank was the ref and attacked Sting for whatever reason. This is a falls count anywhere, no DQ match. Steiner is the TV Champion, and this feud is so unimportant it isn't even on the line here - so boy does Sting look like a megastar at this point. Sting's in really good shape here. A fan holds up a STINGER RULES sign with a hand-drawn bat that looks more like a giant dildo. Sting and Rick attack with basic stuff leading to a Sting inverted atomic drop. They do next to nothing with the crowd brawling. Tony cites Rick ditching the headgear as a sign of his evil side - it's a bit goofy, but hey, it's visually-valid and is a little touch that doesn't really hurt things. Steiner gets a back mount and some punches. Rick locks on a chinlock. Sting gets the edge by getting the knees up on a camel clutch butt drop. He hits a pump splash and nails a second one to set up the giant superfly dive. It's a thing of beauty and gets 2. His splash was always underrated. Rick low blows him. Sting counters a surfboard with some kicks. TWO STINGER SPLASHES set up the Deathlock, but Rick gets the ropes. They walk backstage, but stop for a second to do SOMETHING - a suplex on the ramp to Rick. They invade THE INTERNET LOCATION and knock out lights so no one can see anything. Sting gets attacked by Tank, Scott, and SOME DOGS before Doug Dillinger and his crew run in all Keystone Cops style. Crowd chants bullshit for that. Steiner's out in a ridiculously gigantic shirt with Rick and the ref gives Rick the win due to 1, 2, 3 DOGS being used.

A Triad video airs with them throwing Raven in a dumpster. Kanyon's got an awesome tie-dye skull shirt on. Saturn and Benoit won the tag titles, but Kanyon attacks Saturn. Bischoff is just an announcer here, which I never remember. DDP has a shitty remix of his Smells Like Teen Spirit knockoff. LOL @ Benoit and Saturn coming out to Dean's theme and getting a Brian Knobs graphic. There's some goofy bullshit going on with the tag titles over just the past week within the timeline of this show. Tenay says TRIPLE B BAM BAM BIGELOW split up the Horsemen. Benoit and Kanyon exchange some good matwork before the faces double clothesline the heels to the floor. Tony puts over Saturn as a badass - and he looks it. Springboard legdrop from Saturn - I marked out so hard for Saturn in ECW and WCW. I thought he would've been just perfect as an IC Title-level guy in WWE - gave it to my CAW of him in WM 2000 and remade him in No Mercy since his moveset there was too toned down. STEREO OVERHEAD BELLY TO BELLYS BY THE FACES! Tony talks about how great it is for both himself as a fan and for everyone in WCW that Benoit's finally got a title. Kanyon gets a second-rope fameasser for 2. DDP lets out a loud OH SHIT before a Benoit German suplex. Kanyon and Benoit go at it and they're both down trying to get a tag. Saturn t-bone suplexes DDP and gets a frog splash for 2. Kanyon hits an electric chair drop that DDP gets 2 off of. Kanyon hits a Russian legsweep to set up a ridiculous DDP elbow drop for 2. Kanyon gets a sorta-triangle choke to hold Saturn in place for a seated double sledge from DDP. DDP stomps away on Saturn, and he is by far the worst worker in this. Kanyon hits the powerbomb-setup X factor for 2, once again covered by DDP. Kanyon is shining brightly here, while DDP is just coming off like the guy trying to get the credit. After more crap, Benoit gets the rolling Germans before a dragon suplex gets 2.9. DDP gets a cutter on Saturn off the top, after Benoit hits the headbutt. Dean comes out to even the odds, but it leads to BBB coming in for a Greetings From Jersey cutter and a 3. After several billion years, it's over! This was pretty good, but went too long. Kanyon attacks the ref.

The Savage-Nash video starts off with about 15 minutes left in the show time, so this should be a classic. This video is basically the same as the one before, so I don't know why we need to see it again. Madusa, Mona, and Gorgeous George are out. Madusa doesn't even resemble herself at any point in time. IT'S MADNESS TIME! IT'S MACHO TIME! Not the best night for Buffer. Bobby says ALL ANYONE WANTS TO KNOW ABOUT is how Nash is, and then Tony says WHO WAS DRIVING THE HUMVEE!? Nash gets a shitty pyro display. Nash letting the grey grow into his beard was a bad move - he looks so old. Buffer talking about his "FEEL NO PAIN COURAGE" attitude is ridiculous. They do basic shit, Nash hits the sideslam, sells the knee and eats a clothesline over the top. Madusa hits a BACK LEG FRONT KICK to Nash's injured ribs. Madusa kicks them again. Savage is choking him on the ground in the corner with his boot. THIS SUCKS! Mona hits a missile dropkick to the ribs to set up Savage's elbow for 2. Boy does it look bad with him just falling down and dropping all of his weight on the chest. Savage punches away, but it fires Nash up. Snake eyes time and he gets a big boot, but nearly falls. Nash snaps the strap, but gets attacked by the girls. George and Madusa bump for him, while Mona eats a Snake Eyes off a crossbody. SOMEONE IS IN THE RING says Tony, and he just happens to look like Sid Vicious! Sid's in jeans and a vest and powerbombs him down. Tenay says HE'S PSYCHOTIC. This sucked and the show as a whole was largely terrible.

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