Monday, August 4, 2014

WWE Raw 8-4-14

Reigns-THEDEMONKANE got a recap, so they're clearly setting up the Orton-Reigns match as a solid semi-main event here. Hunter looks at least 6 inches shorted than Orton in the backstage clip there. Wow. The Authority came out as a group - Orton, HHH, Steph, Kane, and Rollins sure do look odd visually. ORTON'S IN PANTS! Cole pimped Summerslam on the WWE Network, leading to HHH plugging Summerslam on the Network for only $9.99, leading to King being amazed at how low it was. Shouldn't you not do what the heels implies you should do? Seth apparently pitched a Beat the Clock competition, with the guy who wins the fastest being able to pick the stip. Titty Master Gloves on a Pole Match? Seth faces RVD! HHH rubbed Steph's shoulders like it was a warm-up for her promo. HHH plugged Steph-Brie on the Network for only $9.99. They're trying to get $9.99 legit over as a catchphrase. HHH is plugging the main event that MIGHT be the biggest fight of the summer. MIGHT BE. HHH held the mic up for $9.99, BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE! Orton talked about Roman, who strolled down from the crowd into...another part of the crowd to talk. Isn't he supposed to be a badass? Why isn't he going in to just try to beat the shit out of these assholes? HHH made Kane-Reigns. Christ. It'll be a last man standing match, so they'll at least be able to have some gimmicks.

And it's now. Cole rattled off Wikipedia facts about KANE'S HISTORY IN LAST MAN STANDING MATCHES! They talked about the WWE Network, it trending, what a great value the WWE Network, Summerslam being available on the WWE Network, Orton-Reigns on the WWE Network, the Network expanding internationally, and The Network being a great value at $9.99. I think they've said The Network more tonight than the entire ECW/Network, SD/Network, and TNA/Network angles combined. Kane is dominating this with stuff. Roman is not exactly Ricky Morton-level yet at playing a face in peril. Reigns got the edge here by reversing an irish whip into a chair SET UP EXCLUSIVELY ON THE APP! If they really wanted to make Reigns seem like a bad-ass in this, he'd have just Superman punched and speared Kane here in no time flat. THE TOYS ARE COMING OUT, BOYS! I'm shocked Nikki isn't running in. "A lot of times, they get to their feet at 9.99." King ruled there. Reigns got up at 9 after a chokeslam through a table, so he DDT'd Kane onto a chair for 7. Superman punch gets no count, but the spear does. This was substantially less good than last week's opener of Cena-Cesaro. They should do Reigns-Cesaro just to have him ACTUALLY BE IN THE RING WITH A GOOD WORKER. They had a clip of a Brock interview - Brock looked really old facially here.

Brock's interview was just awesome. Serious Cena in NEON GREEN is goofy. This was fantastic. Sandow came out in OU getup, got buried by JBL, and King said his helmet cost 9.99. Henry the Texan came out to whoop some ass. Everyone buried Oklahoma here, and Henry won in a couple of minutes with the World's Strongest Slam after walking him around the ring. Adam Rose and the Rosebuds did a skit with the Oculous mirror. He became a businessman. What. In the fuck. Am I watching. Dean's out for the match with Alberto. Alberto has somehow gotten in a lot better shape since Main Event. Amazing. Steamboat-style diving chop to the head from Alberto! Cole reminded everyone that this was a rematch from Main Event, while King reminded everyone it's only $9.99. The Network stuff is doing to be one of those it was funny, then it was unfunny, then it got funny again things. Basic stuff here in the match outside of Alberto's rope armbar, while pales in comparison to the one Suzuki did to AJ Styles in the G1. Nice toss off a tornado DDT into the superkick for 2. Ambrose finally gets the tornado DDT after the break. ADR hit the reverse superplex and Dean wisely kicked off the post to ensure he lives through that spot. Nigel lariat led to Dean flopping around like a fish trying to make a cover - I dug that. They got 15 minutes out of this match doing next to nothing that was memorable. Dirty Deeds gets the win at 15:42. We got a Bella-Steph recap. It was the same violin one they've aired before. Rusev's OUT FOR A MATCH!? He's now an IN ACTION guy.

Rusev crushed SIN CARA ON THE APP, and Cole pimped the app. It's the gateway to the Network! Lana buried Obama, and sang Happy Birthday in Russian. Zeb came out to interrupt Lana's freedom of speech, insulted Russia, showed stock photos of Americans who work hard, and insulted their nationality. Rusev jumped Swagger with the flag and Zeb was about to take an ass-kicking, but Lana did We the People in front of him. GREAT bit there. A new really red and white and black WWE Network ad aired. They hyped up that on August 12, the Network will launch overseas. Cesaro opened Raw last week with a Cena match, and now he gets a jobber intro in a match with DOLPH ZIGGLER. Cesaro got a couple of power spots, but Dolph countered a delayed suplex into a Zig Zag. Cesaro is sub-Dolph. REALLY sub-Dolph. Jesus. Dolph tired to superkick Miz's face, but Miz dropped down to reveal HIS LOAFERS! They talked about Summerslam being a value for $9.99, and showed the Paige-AJ angle from SD before Paige cut an awesome promo and they hyped up the in-ring return of the Dust Bros. YAY NO PROMOS! Heyman DVD hype vid.

OH MY GOD, THEY'RE GONE FOR MONTHS AND IT'S FOR A MATCH WITH RYBAXEL! Ryback politely demand that Goldust stop inverted atomic dropping him rules. Axel tagged in for a chinlock. Stardust has white in the gear now and did Mascaras's cross chops and a kick instead of the back-bump uppercut. JBL referenced Spaceballs, and Stardust hits Dark Matter - A FLATLINER! Kane re-re-re-unmasked. Steph is sad the monster is no longer hers to unleash at her will. And for See No Evil 2 promotion since he's unmasked in the movie.I could really go for Kane - Hollywood movie star with Miz. Get him his coffee or it's PYRO TIME!

Jericho's out to face Harper, with the same rule as the Rowan match. Michinoku driver gets 2 for Harper. Rowan got triangle dropkicked off the apron, but still landed a distraction schoolboy for 2. Walls, but the lights go out. Bray is on the apron and sends Rowan in, who gets Codebreakered. Harper eats one too, so Bray runs in to attack for a DQ. He hits the Samoan spike and Sister Abigail. They showed the AJ-Paige thing again. AJ returns on Main Event, LIVE ON THE WWE NETWORK! Diego, El Torito, and Summer Lay came out. Chicks were dressed at hot cowgirls to face Fandango. Again. Hornswoggle is his new dance partner. Yargh. Hornswoggle distracted him, backstabber, win. Hornswoggle joined in the dance party before Torito dove on Fandango. Hornswoggle gave this his all - this angle sucks though. Bo-Truth II! Or III. Or 900. Bo won after an O'Connor roll using the pants. BODOG ON THE FLOOR!  More hype for the Brie-Steph signing. Christ almighty, there's still at least 40 minutes left.

Bray cut a really good promo on Jericho, and they hyped up Brock-Cena from 2012 airing after Raw on the Network - and re-aired the Brock-Cena hype video from before. RVD's out. Oh yeah - the Seth match is still to come. Seth-RVD was nixed in favor of Seth-Heath. This should be a ton of fun, actually. Dean went down and messed with the case. He tore up the contract. So Dean will win this deal and make it a contract match. Slater hit a Booker T high kick for 2! Ha! Dean grabbed a drink from a fan and poured it in the case. HE GRABBED POPCORN! It's in the case too! He stole JBL's hat and put it in the case! HEATH WON WITH A DISTRACTION SCHOOLBOY! HEATH WON! THE NEW STREAK BEGINS! HE'S GONNA MAKE IT GOOD...on a show that's not this one, but we're not going to tell you which one it is.\

They aired a fantastic hype video for Brock-Cena from Extreme Rules 2012 - this was something they should've aired before. Steph came out with HHH, and the Bellas came out. Brie's got red leather pants on and a red Brie Mode shirt. HHH said AN ICON WAS COMING OUT OF RETIREMENT, but since she's his wife, he's going to have Cole do this. Steph asked if Brie was still recovering, leading to Brie having the power to run a clip of Steph's arrest. Loved Steph calling Bryan a hippy, dippy husband though. Brie made a lesbian rape joke about jail with Big Beulah - is that the name of Nikki's favorite dildo? Brie's going to humiliate Steph not just in front of the folks in the building, BUT IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE! SHE'S DOING IT FOR THE BIG SHOW! Vickie, and everyone else they've tortured. A huge CM Punk chant broke out. LOL at her saying "he might not help". Brie called her a stuck-up, conniving PIECE OF...TRASH! Steph's making some solid points here and not resorting to petty insults. "At Summerslam. I AM GOING. TO TEAR. YOUR HEART. OUT!" Steph pinned Brie behind the table in between the ropes, and Pedigreed Nikki. HHH did the YES bit and Brie slapped him. HHH sold more for Brie Bella than in his WM main event with Jericho. Brie got laid out and HHH is gonna get laid later after this on-air makeout session.

Screens -

No comments:

Post a Comment