Monday, August 25, 2014

WWE Raw 8-25-14

King puts over Brock-Cena in a fairly strong way to start the show, which is a tad odd. Cole is mid-ring for the Hall of Fame forum. LOL @ them just using an announce table for this. Looks so goofy - and the table itself looks like a relic. HBK says that Cena has no chance, and it MIGHT BE HIS TIME. Hogan says BROTHER, WHEN YOU KNOW IT'S YOUR TIME, IT'S YOUR TIME. God, this is as cringe-worthy as those questions the "press conferences" had. Hogan saying HUSTLE LOYALTY RESPECT ISN'T A MARKETING LOGO! They exchanged more crap for a few agonizing minutes before Cena came out. I half-expected them to talk about how amazing Applesauce bars are, and how Cena was doomed for going with the Vita Health Peach Log. Cena was of course, humbled by being in the ring with a panel of hall of famers. Shouldn't John have A SCRATCH on him after being murderkilled by Brock 8 days ago? Cena said this rematch was the biggest one of his life, but he told Hogan he's not going to win, HE'S GOING TO BEAT HIS ASS! Cena was good there, but his lack of ANY KIND OF SELLING OF THIS DESTRUCTION annoyed me. Dust Bros face the Usos for the titles later, leading to King saying that THEY COULD WIN THE TITLES FOR THE FIRST TIME. Except for that first time. Swagger-Rusev happens again next.

They plugged Nitro launching on the Network next week. Rusev got a jobber intro. Swagger got an okay reaction, but without Zeb, he's limited to being a one-note act. They did the same basic stuff, but after the break, did finishers and tapout teases. This is getting pretty damned...exciting. Not so much good, but exciting! The crowd is kind of getting into it at points, but it's not really connecting as well as it should. Swagger did WE THE PEOPLE and got the shit beat out of him halfway through. Rusev stomped and stomped and stomped and stomped and stomped until he couldn't continue. This was interesting. That was certainly a finish. This match had SOMETHING at points, but just didn't click. King is going to moderate a Bella dilemma for some reason. Cesaro faces RVD tonight for a US Title shot.

They ran an SD ad and HEAVILY IMPLIED we'd get Reigns-Orton II. Jack got treatment and Bo leered at him like a creep. JBL looks so awkward with Sheamus just sitting next to him and swiveling his chair around. Cesaro gets a jobber intro here. Sheamus called Cesaro THE KING OF SWINGERS!? Sara Del Rey better not find out. Cesaro busted out some nice knees to the stomach that should be in the WWE games. Nice apron double stomp from Cesaro. Cripes is this crowd dead. They fight this with an extended chinlock, and Cole rattles off his US Title Facts. Cesaro hits a Neutralizer after a basic match for the win! I dig this fairly simple build - it's better than their prior feud, and it should lead to some really good matches too. King hyped up ATTITUDE WEEK of Raw, and the first 100 hours of Nitro. Paige skipped for a match next.

Recap of the AJ-Paige stuff from Raw. Cole said that if Nattie beat THE CHAMPION THREE TIMES, SHE MIGHT GET A SHOT! They exchanged holds, including an awesome set of abdominal stretches before Nattie hit a release German! Paige gets to the ropes during a sharpshooter. PTO didn't work, so she hit the PTO and won. AJ came out IN PANTS! Nattie, LIKE A COWARD, attacks Paige from behind. AJ said that Paige said she loved her, BUT SHE'S NOT AS SINCERE AS HER! Aww, they hugged! They hyped up Seth's funeral of Dean with stupid music. Mr. Kane came out to start this with a hilarious shot of Ambrose before Seth blamed the fans for the beating. Seth talked and talked and talked. TNA is the MASTER of funeral skits, and WWE just can't get them right. After Seth said 10 billion words, Roman came out to take offense FINALLY to something Rollins did to Dean. So it's okay to crush Dean's head - just don't start talking about him! Roman beat them up and sent them packing, leading to an HOF Forum recap. The Dust brothers talked about the destruction of the galaxy when they win the tag titles. STTAAAAAAHHHHHHDDDDUUUUSTTTT can fuck off.

Buy the Network to watch Brock become the youngest WWE Champion in history. Usos came out before the Dust Bros. Goldust KNOWS this character and Cody doesn't have a clue what this is. Dustin owned Goldust immediately, while Cody just comes off as Cody in a bad cosplay getup doing wacky shit. Usos are the fifth longest-reigning tag champs in WWE history with a 110+ day reign. JBL talked about THE DUST BUSTERS! Crowd is six feet under. We may be able to hear an individual fart in this match. Cody got a tag for a break before another chinlock when they came back. Cole said that Stardust, STAR-DUST OF ALL PEOPLE, reminded him of Terry Funk. Uso Crazy dive from Jey led to him hurting his knee out of absolutely nowhere. A ountout loss on THAT!? Ugh. I love Goldust being a prick saying they had ONE SHOT and they wanted a rematch NOW! YAY, HEEL TURN! This was used to tease the Bella deal and THE BEAST SPEAKING!

Kane and Seth had a wacky meeting in the corporate dressing room. Kane made a handicap match with he and Seth against Roman, which Seth called poetic for some reason. King hypes up CONTROVERSIAL comments from Brock. Brock said he came back to BECOME THE WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION OF WWE AND HE DID. Cena's never say die bullshit only hurt him. Heyman said that the only reason Cena survived is because Brock, sadly, held back and ended the fight.  Okay, they said this was done "hours after Summerslam", but are talking about the post-Main Event storyline of Cena cashing in his title shot. Still, this was FANTASTIC. "John, one day your daddy said "Johnny, ONE DAY YOU'LL GROW UP AND BECOME A MAN...WHO WILL RUN INTO A GUY WHO WILL KNOCK YOUR ASS DOWN!". This was so many buys.

Dolph's out. OH THANK CHRIST A REMATCH against Miz. RVD faces Seth on Main Event. YAY MORE REMATCHES! Miz brought out his stunt double - Damien Mizdow. This is both fantastic and awful. Sandow's just doing his regular stuff in Miz gear, BUT WITH THE FIGURE FOUR! Zig Zag wins and Miz fires Sandow. That was great. Bella acting is next. Vacuuming may happen to overlap it. They hyped up a Jeff Hardy special on Wednesday - opposing Impact - LOL.

Bellas acted. They used SHOOT NAMES. They had more mic problems, and Nikki said that BRIE WAS HOLDING HER BACK IN THE WOMB! I would say that this feud could suck a dick, but fellatio is enjoyable and this isn't. I. HAVE. NO. SISTER. YOU ARE. DEAD. TO ME. This was so very very very bad. A fan held up a silly sign about his newborn looking like Brock when Roman came out. They had a nothing handicap match until Seth hit Roman with the case. Kane and Seth had MORE CINDER BLOCKS...that no one noticed. What goofy bullshit this is. Roman back elbows out of an attack here, and Seth just jumps into a throat thrust. Roman chucked a cinder block at the post, it went kablooey, and Kane ate a Superman punch. They argued about this before Cole said WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT THE WWE NETWORK! WWE's worth $9.99 monthly. Funny, because less than a year ago, they used to be worth $60 a month. Bray talked about Cena's shell being cracked after a battle with the beat.

World's Strongest Team face THE WYATTS AGAIN on SD. Matadores face Slater Gator tonight...again.. A matador ended Heath's streak with a crucifix in a fun-ish match. They recapped the Hall of Fame Forum for the 999th time. Kofi faces Bo. YOU HAVE GO TO BE SHITTING ME! Bo hit Kofi with a running thing that was supposed to be a knee to take him down. Swagger, LIKE A FUCKING COWARD, attacked Bo from behind and got booed for it. An awesome NOC hype video aired. Jericho's highlight reel returns with Orton. Oh goodie.

Cena started the match by swarming Bray ala Brock. Well, Cena does a German suplex better than a rana. Cena is just whooping that ass in the corner. Cena drove a big knee into Bray's face in the corner and hit more suplexes. Wyatts came in for a DQ. Henry and Show made the save - adding a logical reason for the SD match, or a holla holla 6 man. Yup - HOLLA HOLLA 6 MAN after the break. Big elbow from Show to Rowan after the break. Henry's got blue, white, and black camo trim to match Show - it's a great look. Crowd chanted for Sexual Chocolate, leading to another network plug.  Rowan slammed Henry. Show runs wild, but Harper hits a dropkick. Cena gets a tag and runs wild with shitty mounted punches, wins with an STF, and hits an AA on Rowan, then another to Bray, who was damn near squashed, and one to Harper. Well, they made you think the loss changed Cena and showed you why - it's a bit too soon to tell that story, but they're going to make some good money with NoC.

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