Thursday, August 14, 2014

TNA Impact Wrestling 8-14-14

Cops features kidnapping and grand theft auto. The pre-show hype video shows clips from a promo on Impact where we get Hardys-3D one more time. The opening video focuses entirely on Bully putting Dixie through the table. Isn't there a world champion in this company? Bully's out in his shirt and vest looking really thin. Bully says he had the greatest feeling in the world last week, BUT HE DIDN'T DO IT ALONE - HE HAD ALL OF US! The crowd cheered for Devon, leading to Bully saying Rick had Scott, Hawk had his brother Animal, and he's got his brother Devon! YOU CAN BUY A LIMITED EDITION FRAME OF A TABLE PIECE AND CANVAS PIECE! Devon sucked up to NY and the Hardys came out to Matt's shitty theme with Jeff doing lyrics. Tenay puts over the classics these teams have had (available now on the WWE Network, for only $9.99). Jeff and Bully name all of their classics by name. Tenay says it's time to renew, not your WWE Network sub, but this rivalry. A pretty good recap vid airs for Joe's title win. Spud, Rhino, and EC3 walked backstage - Spud's got tissues up his nose.

They replayed Dixie going through the table again and hyped up new footage later. Aries met with EY and Roode to talk about Dixie going through the table and taking out MVP's crew tonight. Low-Ki's out for a 6-way X division elimination scramble match, which is for...something I'm sure. TIME TO OPEN THE IN-RING ASPECT OF IMPACT! His opponents get no intros. Winner gets a shot at Joe next week at Hardcore Justice, also, next week's Impact is Hardcore Justice. Uno did a wacky running reverse Samoan drop to Steve while the crowd chanted for puppies and Steve lost. Uno's in some gear that should be easy to make in FPR and did flippy stuff with Manik. Tiger codebreaker wins for Manik. DJZ comes in and cheats to win using the ropes. LOVE that being revived! Z's in there with Ki and Homicide - that ain't good. Cide tags in and kills the gringo for a win. THE ROTTWEILERS EXPLODE!  Ki hits a corner charge, misses a second and avoids a Gringo Killer to nail a running dropkick and the Ki Crusher for the win! Dixie's team insulted some workers watching the Dixie clip again.

Spud's out with a black eye and removes his tissues to request a moment of silence. I hope this leads to Spud carrying around a little stick with her head on it like the BFFs did for Summer when she was away. EC3 demanding that Bully gets terminated OR ELSE HE WILL BUILD A HOUSE HERE SINCE IT'S A CARTER RING! I'm so sad that Kurt's not going to allow us to watch EC3 build a house. Kurt looks so much younger and healthier now that he's not wrestling. I used to hope WWE would give him one more run , but I'm fine with him retiring to just be a coach since his last few matches were sad. I liked him calling on cops that actually look like cops. I love Taz saying the guy with the youth-sized tie gave him a ticket. Spud talks smack to them about having diplomatic immunity because he has a passport! EC3 says he's the wolf of wall street and is going on a glorious rant to avoid going to jail, but he throws money at the cops. Tenay gets off a great line "Why can't the Carters learn you can't just throw money at a problem?" Shaw and Gunner acted in a sub-Kane/Orton-level skit. The fans cheered Dixie's crew being arrested and taken away and a quick clip aired saying Impact was on Wednesday. Absurdly quick.

A funny bit airs with more bribery and it not working. Gunner's facing Anderson to stand up for Shaw or something. Last week, they were partners...luckily, Ken's always an asshole, so I guess this kind of thing makes sense. The hour 1 main event appears to be NEW FOOTAGE OF THE DIXIE DEAL. The guys are doing basic moves and the crowd is amusing themselves by going KENEDDDYYYYY! Now they're singing Adam Rose's theme and going OLE OLE OLE. Shaw's in the ring and we've got a DQ or something. Fuck all of this. Angelina's talking with Velvet looking 100 pounds and 200 years old. DIXIE'S CONDITION is the hour 1 main event.

They showed tweets about Dixie's table deal, including from Jim Ross - whose face they did a terrible job of blurring out. They ran down Dixie's injuries and the BPs came out for the KOs 4 way, followed by Taryn and Gail. Angelina has no body mass, but still has an ass. BPs did a nice sideslam/neckbreaker to Gail, who got some revenge with a double dive on the floor to them. TARYN DIVES OFF THE TOP ONTO THEM! Taz says you don't see many moms jumping off the top of the jungle gym! A better than divas chant broke out. BPs prevent pins, resulting in THE IMPLANT POWERS EXPLODING! Taryn takes out the BPs with a double clothesline, goes to the floor...for some reason, and Gail wins with Eat Defeat. MVP is asked about Dixie - he says her issues don't concern him and King checks himself out in Lashley's belt and says she can buy herself a million dollar wheelchair. Lashley wasn't amused by their antics. I guess their match is next.

Yup. Heels are out followed by the face. I liked Roode doing a slingshot so Aries could do an Eddie-style outside in senton, but with a pendulum elbow at the end. They tease SOMETHING for next week and pimp Lashley in Bellator. It's amazing how much of a company-saver Lashley's signing has been. He's finally at the point where he's kind of reaching his potential. EY straddles the ropes thanks to King. King gets taken down by Aries and hit with the tope con hilo. Lashley goes for the spear, but Aries did the sprawl into the Last Chancery. EY piledrives MVP, who is somewhat mobile tonight. EY eats the powerslam, but Aries avoids it and hits the rolling elbow and corner dropkick. MVP hits him with the crutch leading to a spear with a shooting star flip sell from Aries. Abyss will come out next to getting nailed by Janice, and another quick ad aired for Impact on Wednesday night. I cannot believe how quickly they say it - and they don't emphasize it. There has been fuck-all of interest on this show.

A Havok hype vid aired showing the H, V, and K in white. Davey cut a boring promo about the Wolves building their name over the past six years. Eddie says they respect 3D, but they want to beat them too. At least TNA's going out with a really kick-ass tag title series. Abyss yelled for Bram to come out. It's 10:30 - GET ON WITH THINGS THAT ARE REMOTELY INTERESTING. Bram says Janice really does it for him. Abyss demanded Janice back. Dude, he's right in front of you - ATTACK HIM. Abyss wants ONE MORE MATCH - a stairway to Janice match. Magnus said that Janice has screwed Abyss twice, AND HE SHOULD BE THANKFUL CUZ IT'S THE ONLY TIME HE'S BEEN SCREWED! BWAHAHAHA! Abyss tries to grab Janice, but Bram clips the knee. Abyss said he'll show Bram what kind of bitch Janice can be...okay then. END THIS PLEASE.

A cornball video aired of Storm brainwashing Sanada. It started off all cool with Storm looking scary as shit outside a beat-up farmhouse, but got all weird quickly. Sanada without the hair dye looks like just a dude. They ran down Hardcore Justice - beyond the stuff already known, there's a six sides of steel 6-way for a world title shot. How very random. Literally NO BUILD TOWARDS THAT AT ALL tonight. Hardys are out and 3D's out in their camo gear. Bully's actually just using Dudley gear with that name on it, so they really don't give a fuck about McDevitt anymore. The teams did basic stuff before an ad break and a quick graphic for the new night.

In going through my screens, I see that 3D actually taped over the Dudley portion of their gear with Team 3D patches - nice - they actually looked good, although Bully kept the Dudleyville USA part on his. Wishbone spot to Jeff. The commentators put over the Wolves facing any of these teams to solidify themselves as the best in 2014. Six sides of steel is a number 1 contender's match, and Tenay interviews Dixie. Bully eats a super rana for 2. WHISPER IN THE WIND DOOMSDAY DEVICE FROM THE HARDYS! Doomdsay Device from 3D gets 2! THEY DOUBLE FLAPJACK JEFF ONTO MATT! Just like Day of Reckoning 2! Wassup to Matt. Twist/Swanton gets 2, but 3D gets 3! The pre-ad break portion of this wasn't much, but after the break, it got really good. They hugged at the end - this felt like a high school reunion, but was a lot of fun.

Screens -

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