Raw 10-30-14

Dean-Cena recap with them adding a wacky Simpsons fire effect on the footage started the show. Authority's out, but first, we hear about the FIVE TON INTIMIDATING STRUCTURE KNOWN AS HELL IN THE CELL! Cole hypes up the renewing of Orton-Cena, while HHH goes for the face pop with the Raw intro. HHH proudly got the $9.99 pop, and boy does that ever devalue the brand. He said that HIAC would end two of WWE's greatest rivalries...this one? This cell show? The one in six days? Seth says he's the UNDISPUTED FUTURE OF WWE! HHH said that Orton-Cena, THE MATCH INVOLVING THE LOSER, gets a title shot. Oh fuck me running. They're really killing this Dean-Seth feud by not at least having the match for the case and found a way to make Orton-Cena, the lesser match with no hype, the main event. We're getting a street fight with some people later, and they talk about Sheamus-Miz. Sheamus and the Uos face Miz and the champs. Didn't we just have that match last week?

I guess Sheamus just stood around, because the Usos came down after the break. It's going to be a filler-filled night. Gold and Stardust (who can continue to fuck off) came out and had an inset promo. Mizdow was tagged into this match, and the ref is...fine with this despite him not being a signed competitor. Uso hit a basement kick to Starudst, then Goldust comes in and gets 2. Dumb and Dumber To ad looks dreadful. Cole explains this being a 6-man tag. Miz says he's been in his cinema all week watching Sheamus matches on the WWE Network. He's married to Maryse - he's making a poor use of his time. Uso dive to the pile. Falling Star plunge. Falling sofa from Sheamus. Mizdow gets the win with a distraction schoolboy. Miz brags about winning. JBL was yelled at to drive this point into the ground, leading to Cole burying him for it. The street fight is Cena and Ambrose against the Authority. Oh yeah, that thing.

A singer who survived breast cancer talked about her story, and then Naomi did a bad voiceover about BUYING THE GEAR AND JOINING THE FIGHT! H and Randy talk - Randy will win and then beat Brock, and HHH gave Seth credit for making the Cena-Orton stip. They condensed the Harper/Rowan set free videos into one. Are they ever going to actually get to the point with these Wyatt videos? They seem rather aimless and the commentators should really be commenting on how terrifying WWE will be with the maniacs on the loose without the one man by their side who can control them. King kind of teased a face turn for at least one of them by saying that it could just be Bray who made them crazy. AJ's for a match with someone.

It's Alicia, and WWE SMS SUBSCRIBERS GOT AN EXCLUSIVE - AJ will face Paige at the PPV. Alicia gets 2 off a northern lights. They're talking about the main event a ton, and I just want it to happen so this show will be over. They did a weird distraction finish with Paige and Alicia arguing resulting in Alicia winning, and then Paige jumping into Alicia's arms and falling to the floor. Orton and Seth argued for a little bit. They pimped a WWE Network exclusive - DX Confidential, which I guess is just a taped Summerslam panel. I assume they taped Bret's deal like this done on the screwjob.

Hogan will do an interview LIVE ON THE WWE NETWORK AFTER RAW! Orton's out to talk and they pointed out that Orton should be happy with the stip. Yes, you would think the stip would make Orton happy BECAUSE THAT WOULD MAKE SENSE. Instead of his match meaning nothing, it's for a world title shot. Orton points out that he and Cena had a Cell match before. TIME REALLY FLIES, DOESN'T IT FOLKS!? Randy Orton, top heel in 2014, went for local sports team heat. Yay, a verbal recap of the Orton-Cena feud with zero clips. Cena's out. They really should've made Keep Calm and Conquer the Streak shirts. Cena told him to shut up and called Orton a dumbass. More words. More dumbass stuff. LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PAUL HEYMAN HAS RETURNED to bury the class of 2002's revisionist history since it didn't involve BROCK LESNAR! Heyman said Cena-Orton was a chance for the other to DEFINE THEIR LEGACIES. How? Orton-Cena is like the reverse Okada-Tanahashi feud. The more they fight, the less interest there is. Heyman says that Cena wants both the beast and the title, which would seem like the Survivor Series main event. Cena tried to AA Heyman for...daring to say words, and Orton RKOd him. RKO TO HEYMAN! Well, so much for my thought that Orton with Heyman could be new and fresh. "I didn't see that coming, and I didn't see that coming!" Thanks, King! 2K15 soundtrack "THEY SHOULDA NEVA LET CENA CUT WIT WIZ KHALIFA!" Ugh. Rusev and Lana walk backstage.

Total Divas mid-season finale has TJ-Nattie divorce issues, Nikki-Cena breaking up, and then HEY WHO CARES ABOUT THAT, recap of the stuff before the break. Rusev's out to face Big E. "If Big E can't knock off Rusev, I don't think anyone from our country can!" I'm sure he meant to say Show, but still LOL. They do the same stuff they always do and go to a break off a spin kick from Rusev. Rusev still has his heard and arm tie on after the break. Superkick>stomp>Accolade. WHAT'S BIG E GONNA DO!? Same thing he always does Cole - lose to Rusev via the Accolade. Lana cut an amusing promo about Show losing on Sunday and being sent to the carnival where people will throw half-eaten food at him and he'll allow in his own excrement. I really want a skit where Show gets food thrown at him. Less so one with him wallowing in his own shit. Lana praised the REAL RED WHITE AND BLUE, but the Russian flag didn't come down. Instead, Show rigged the American flag. A "troop" ran in and got superkicked when Rusev tried to pull the American flag down. This was different, but not really good.

"He tried to get into the ring, but was stopped by our security." Well no, he got in the ring, so security failed. Now had it been Russian security... Show is still mid-ring for some reason. "There are certain lines you don't cross." Like using a war where people are dying to prop up WrestleMania. A guy yelled Kurt Angle a few times and yelled BIG SHOW SUCKS. Show going to unleash every big of wrath in his head all over Rusev's head. Um...no. After more horrible words, he got a light USA chant and threatened to go after Rusev backstage. Show went backstage and was told to go to "that door, right there". The one clearly marked with his name. He went in. No Rusev. Okay then. Dean's watching See No Evil 2 backstage. Ambrose plugging Kane's movie. Between this and him just wearing his merch last week, they're chipping away needlessly at Dean's rebel act. Dean was great here with Cena calling himself Batman while Cena's Superman, but the Joker payoff was silly. WHY SO SERIOUS!? HAHAHA 2008 MAGGLE!

Cole congratulated the company's top heel Stephanie McMahon for being honored by the Eisenhower committee. Brie's facing Summer, and the Bella stip match now has a new stip - the losing Bella MUST comply or be fired. WWE, like TNA, adding stips to a stip match that no one cares about. Brie won, yessed, and Nikki emoted angrily. So if Brie wins do we get skits on Total Divas of her buying Nikki's sex toys? And if Brie wins, I guess we'll have Nikki shopping at Whole Foods asking for all-natural foods awkwardly. "Hi, do you have...Khali?" "Excuse me?" K-a-l-e?"

Dean's out with a big bag. It contains several smaller bags, and a Seth dummy. Dean did prop "comedy", but it was the kind of funny that didn't involve people laughing. He tonged the dummy's non-balls and King made a "HOW TONG CAN THIS GO ON" joke. Seth came out to end this. THANK YOU SETH! Dean made faces and threw parts of the dummy at Seth, Noble, and Mercury. They said more words. SAINT MICK RETURNS! Foley returns to the cell...in a very large Santa shirt. Mick cut a fantastic promo about the Shield's debut and his daughter raving about it. He's proud of each man achieving their destines since then and put the Cell over as demonic, but special. We're getting Dean-Foley in the best way possible - on the mic! Mick looks so frail right now. Foley said the Cell will define Dean and Seth like it did him, to the point where his career is splintered into two forms - pre-Cell and post-Cell. Mick came reasonably close to saving the show with another excellent surprise that they could've hyped up beforehand. Dean hit Seth with the dummy. Well, I could've done without that, but the heels bumping for it was amusing.

Cesaro's facing Dolph. They did very little until the break. Nice gorilla press gutbuster led to a double axehandle from Cesaro. Tiger driver from Cesaro was turned into an X factor counter by Dolph. Cesaro wins by countering a superkick into the Swiss Uppercut, so he should get a title shot at the PPV. That is such a great finisher for him - stands out big-time, and it comes out of nowhere. So of course, he destroys him after to get the Neutralizer over as his REAL finisher. Authority bickered. HIAC Pre-Show has Mizdow TV with Heyman on the panel, so no need to watch that.

Hell in a Cell by the numbers. BAD BLOOD WAS THE FIRST TIME HELL GRACED THE UNIVERSE. Or whatever that was. Ugh. And was was that HHH-HBK cell match just awful - it was HHH trying to prove he was an all-time best by doing a really long match and proving that he's just not at that level. Main event tease, BUT FIRST, Wyatts video. I wonder if they'll be interfering in a cell match. Cena's out followed by Dean. I guess the heels come out after the break. Everyone was out by 10:50 and they recapped the Batman stuff with Cole calling JBL Catwoman. WHAT!? They clear off the table, of course, because it's a street fight. As you would do in one. Flying elbow from Dean onto the pile. OUT COME THE TOYS. Hard to sell them as vile weapons when they're called toys. Dean got bonked into the table and Kane took Cena down for a break. Seth and Dean did some stuff. Orton came in and stomped Dean. Came came in, got tossed around and took an awful bump over the announce table. I'm sensing a no contest in this street fight, with KANE IN IT. GENERAL KANE PUT CENA THROUGH A TABLE. This is somehow a preview to the Cell show. Cell came down and they tried to keep Dean out, but the cell dropped too slowly, so he got back in. Big dropkick from Dean sends Seth into the cell - great spot that they'd better repeat on the PPV. They did shit and Orton landed awkwardly on the table and swore, resulting in a muting. KMOOOOOVVEEE! Orton is unhappy. Kane chokeslams Cena, eats a Dirty Deeds DDT, and then goes for a rebound lariat BUT HE EATS AN RKO AND LOSES. And then Seth Curb Stomps Orton. Also, there's a PPV on Sunday that really means nothing since everyone's already moved on from it. We know with Dean losing here, he's winning on the PPV, while Orton can lose to Cena and it won't matter since he's facing Seth at whatever the post-Cell PPV is.

The Hogan deal is just him backstage cutting a promo with Renee. Show's standing up for America JUST LIKE THAT TROOP DID. And I missed a bit of this due to "from the beginning" bringing up the DX thing, and "now" doing this. Rollins-Ambrose was apparently a tossup and now he's coming to the ring. It's pretty cool seeing he and Cena mid-ring. Hogan and Cena did the Hogan-Sid pose bit, but were really out of sync. Cole talked about doing the posing when he was a kid. And now. And how the DX thing is next, they gave him a wedgie, a wet willie, and broke his thumbs. What assholes.

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