Monday, October 27, 2014

WWE Raw 10-27-14

After what I'm sure will be called THE GREATEST HELL IN A CELL PPV EVER broadcast on the WWE Network, it's time for Raw. The show begins with a mix of the PPV opening video and stills and clips. The main event gets the focus at first, then the Cena-Orton match. Cena-Brock was the closer here, and the WWE Network logo on this made it quite clear that you should order it immediately. The Authority is mid-ring with "Stephanie MitMan". Steph, who I think is a heel sucked up to the crowd about how great the PPV was and how great a value it was at only $9.99. HHH put Seth over Orton here bit-time.  Seth's out being a total suck-up. Steph gave him a big intro and Seth sucked up to the group. There's a weird yellow tint on one of the cameras that is distracting.

Seth talks about how it's his time to face the man WHO BEAT RANDY ORTON, John Cena. Seth cut a pretty good promo doing the you can't see me bit and just being a cocky shit. Seth has by far the worst WWE main eventer theme in ages. Orton's theme hits to a fairly big pop. Orton says he heard that he lost last night due to the curb stomp and now he feels like checking back into anger management like he did FOR REAL in '06. Orton was manic and fairly awesome here, and he starts a mini-brawl too. Orton says he'll calm down when Seth's dead. Wow. HHH tells him to take the night off, get on his bus, and get something to drink. RKO TO SETH! Seth-Cena was made tonight since each guy won their Cell matches. Show and Henry face the Dust Bros for the belts next. Show and Henry earned this title shot by...not teaming?

Gold and Stardust get no intros, despite being champions and winning at the PPV. World's Strongest Team is out BUT THEY DON'T HAVE MATCHING GEAR! During a WWE Network exclusive, Show and Henry argued about the PPV match - Show blamed Henry. Stardust's gloves are now an overbearing blue and have Batman-esque things on them. Must everything about this act lack originality? If Stardust lasts until 2034, does that mean Cody will finally come into this Starudst role? Starudst, a heel, was abused by two 400+ pound guys and the feed froze. Um, did Sexual Chocolate just break the USA Network? When it came back, Show apparently gave Henry a hard tag or something.

An ad for Car Matchmaker airs. It's an Esquire Network show and they rattled off the whole concept and I still have no idea what it is. Hard tag gets replayed. Show and Goldust are fighting live. HOSS OF PAIN! Henry comes in and Show rolls out. Dude is so damn good now, it's crazy. Yes Cody, go for a front choke on this GIGANTIC MAN WHO OUTWEIGHS YOU BY DOUBLE AND IS THE STRONGEST MAN ON PLANET EARTH. I see no flaws in your plan. Henry tosses him. Henry gets shoved in so Show tags in. Henry's pissed. Flying bus. KO punch. The back of Show's head is covered in black paint and looks hilarious. WSS to Show and Stardust wins. So in case you forgot, the champs are chumps. Henry slams him again and the crowd wants it one more time. Third. Boy, Henry really should get a new finish if two can't keep a guy down. Splash. They explained the story without actually explaining the story. Cole and JBL are in pink shirts and ties, in case the all-pink crap all around wasn't enough to let you know that WWE hates cancer. Also, Roman Reigns is live next with no build. WHAT!?

Henry is backstage walking angrily. "I DID TO HIM BEFORE HE DID TO ME!" Okay then. A goofy ONE VERSUS ALL video aired for Reigns. He honestly came off heelish here. As for the interview, it was nothing - SETH ISN'T THE FUTURE, WHEN ROMAN COMES BACK, HE'LL BE THE PAST! This might've been worst than the first one. AJ came down to face someone, probably Alicia, next. K-Mart ad. WWE just buried K-Mart a month or so ago and now they're still a sponsor!?

AJ faced Fox and Paige was just amazing on commentary. There was so much great stuff there. Also, a match with a distraction finish. Paige destroyed Alicia later and boy is she good given that she came in as a model. Paige's ass was on point here. Cesaro faces Ambrose tonight and Cena says words next.

Cena came out and King put over Cena-Orton as THE MATCH OF THE NIGHT. So basically, fuck you if you wanted Dean-Seth to main event. Cena said that last night, hyped up as the final chapter, may not have in fact been the final chapter of their rivalry. Fuck right off. "And while Brock's sitting at home THINKING HE'S A CHAMPION, I'M FIGHTING LIKE A CHAMPION!" Fuck off for that too. Boy does John Cena have absurdly big forearms. Stephanie came down to presumably tell him to stop burying the talent so much - that's her job. Steph plugged the Survivor Series show which will have a traditional Survivor Series match FOR ONLY...$9.99, which CENA THE FACE PLUGS. Steph says the fans want to see Cena get torn apart, or tear people up, or something. She wants him to join the Authority to guarantee a win against Brock. Cena yammered on about how they're all here for the fans or something. OH MY GOD WHY IS ANY OF THIS HAPPENING!? None of this makes sense based on last night's show. Cena said no to her offer to heel turn. HHH came down. Again, WHY IS THIS A THING!? HHH says it doesn't have to be as hard as it's been. How hard is it? He went through Hell last night and he's fine to compete tonight. I'm honest to God yawning through this. HHH tells him to find someone with Cena's conviction. So Ambrose and Orton, since HIAC wasn't the last chapter of their story. This went on for-fucking-ever.

Dos Mizes face the Usos. Miz takes the full nelson buster ala Bully and JBL says it hurts the other end of the money maker.  Is he gay for pay? Miz jumped early for an over the top lariat. Uso double dive was set up perfectly by having Mizdow sell for Miz. They came back and Miz kicked an Uso. Cole dared to tell people to suffer through more of Raw via the app. An Uso took a great flip bump for the kneeling DDT. They pondered which superstars IF ANY would join Cena's team. Well, it's not like Cena beating the whole team on his own is impossible to fathom. JBL and Cole talked football. Crossbody off the top gets 2 on Miz. Usos win with Twin Magic! Against the Mizes, that's glorious. Mizes argue and the ref doesn't do anything despite it airing on the replay. Cena and Dolph chatted and Hogan's up next.

They had a bit plugging a WWE Performance Center bit in Muscle and Fitness. Kane confronted Dolph about his meeting with Cena. Kane decided to make a match against Dolph. Hogan came out in a full shirt with the fans chanting his theme - well, that's cool. Hogan cut a promo on how great it was to see HIS CHAMPION John Cena win and then get HIS TITLE BACK FROM THAT STINKY BEAST BROCK LESNAR BROTHER! COLEMAN-MANIA'S RUNNING WILD! WWE UNIVERSE MANIACS! They had breast cancer survivors come into the ring - well that was nice. Bo Dallas has an open challenge? Why haven't we been alerted to this at any point before now?

WHOSGONNAFACEBODALLASHEISSUEDANOPENCHALLENGE! The Bo Guy is facing THE BIG GUY! And he's back as a giant ass-kicking babyface! Meathook and Shellshock gets a quick win. Massive Feed Me More chant. Ryback's back and holy shit is he more over now that he's been since his 2012 megapush - they really lucked into this. Dean shadowboxed backstage.

Henry will be on MizTV. Mizark TV! Cesaro's out for a match with Ambrose. They had a fantastic match on SD a while back where they did the Cesaroplex on a ton of chairs - since then, I've tried doing that in any game out there. You can come fairly close in No Mercy, Fire Pro Wrestling Returns, and in WWE 2K14. We got a recap of Orton's issues earlier for...reasons, and a promo we didn't see from Orton I guess on the app. Dean's out walking hurt, but doing so angrily. They used this time to replay the HIAC clips that opened the show. Dean cuts an awesome, intense promo on the table and beats the shit out of Cesaro with the mic. Dean cut a promo on Bray, who cut one on the tron. He certainly said words.

Nikki's out with Brie not walking behind her, in that flannel getup. Brie's aware that grunge has been dead since she was 12, right? She has to be her assistant at what, answer tweets? This personal assistant angle would've made more sense if it started when they did those autograph signings. She's facing Naomi, whose checkered gear is simply terrible. JBL and King argued over the smoothie angle. Bubba Bomb set up a kick to the back and a double...ankles to the shoulders thing. Brie lightly moved an ankle, which greatly offended her. Rack Attack won and Brie was sad. Dolph-Kane is next. It's Dolph and our punishment.

Kane dominated Dolph. Dolph gets a dropkick that sends Kane to the floor for an ad break. Kane must've dominated ON THE APP, because he's destroying him after the break. Kane counters a fameasser into a powerbomb, which is then turned into a bad facebuster. Kane gets an uppercut mid Stinger splash for 2. Kane locks on...something. What is this not quite cobra clutch supposed to hurt? Dolph gets the corner punches and a neckbreaker. Kane gets 2 off a sideslam. Kane misses the flying clothesline and eats a fameasser for 2. They counter big spots, Dolph gets a superkick, Kane gets a big boot for 2. Kane goes for a chokeslam, but Dolph CRADLES HIM AND WINS!? Go Dolph! Dude actually feels like kind of a big deal right now. The IC Title run has helped him, even if his match to match booking is more than a little questionable. Seth attacks Dolph from behind leading to a 2 on 1. Cena had JUST ABOUT ENOUGH OF THIS and came down to save. Cena-Seth is next.

IT'S A SMACKDOWN HALLOWEEN! They played goofy sub-Munsters music. They plugged 2K15 in exactly the same way they always do. BEST GRAPHICS EVER. BEST WWE GAME EVER! JBL told King to get Queasy, Sleazy, and Cheesy back - loved that! Seth's got taped up ribs and the goons! Cena attacked the injured ribs, which JBL rightfully absconded him for. Mercury got a cheap shot and JOHN CENA BUMPED FOR JOEY MERCURY! Seth nailed an awesome measured shot to the kidney in the corner. Cena is beating dominated for an ad break. Cena gets chucked into the steps and then eats some mounted punches. Cena went for his usual shoulder tackles, so Seth just ducked. HA! Suicide dive from Seth and he fucked his back up right against the table.

Why is Seth, a heel, being called someone who's giving a lot to the WWE Universe? JBL refuses to shut up about this. Seth avoids an AA and hits a gorgeous DDT for 2. Great job from each guy on that one. Now that's a beautiful DDT. They really should've brought up that being a shot at Dean since his finish is a DDT as well. JBL once again said that Seth was popular with the fans. WHAT!? Flying...I think it was supposed to be a knee from Seth missed by a mile and got 2. Seth tries to smother him with a bodyscissors chinlock. They're going on and on about the Authority hating Cena. They've done this since JUNE and have yet to give A SINGLE REASON for it.

Seth takes him to the floor and Noble gets in some cheap shots. Seth gets a near countout here. Cena comes back in. A. A. B. Y. GO CENA HIT YOUR SIGNATURE! Seth gets tossed into the goons! Cena runs into a kick for 2. Cena kicks the ribs and hits a DDT for 2. Seth gets his wacky lift up spinny thing and hits the standing Shirunai for 2. CORNER TO CORNER BUCKLE BOMB GETS 2! Seth goes for the stomp, but Cena turns it into an STF and Kane saves Seth. Dolph's out to help Cena. Noble and Mercury keep attacking - maybe they'll be on the team. The locker room came out to attack everyone. Steph and HHH came out and Cena attacked jobbers. What a prick.

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