Monday, September 8, 2014

Raw 9-8-14 - Season Premiere

The show opens with a shot of the cage and a recap of what's been hyped up - Springer is played up as a big deal here in 2014. The cage match is hyped up really nicely, and will apparently start the show. Jericho's vertically-lined lightup jacket looks fantastic. They exchange punches and chops. Bray takes over with a smash into the cage and does his kneeling Christ pose over Jericho to set up a break. Bray tries to escape after the break, but eats an electric chair fall. Lionsault hits, but the Walls gets reversed with only one leg, which looked absurd since Jericho took a flip bump for it. I like Bray doing stomach shoulder charges on the top - it's an easy way to do something new, but safe and simple. Superplex. Bray gets up from it with a spider walk! Jericho climbs up top after a catapult, leading to mounted punches on the top rope, then a super rana to Bray.

This is easily their best match together. The Wyatts tried to trap Jericho up top, so he did a crossbody off the top of the cage, at 43 or whatever. Crazy. Kurt took years off his career - honestly, he could be done, due to a moonsault off a cage and Jericho landed right on his knee. Jericho tried to crawl out, but got met by Bray - they did an awesome extended brawl on the steps, which Bray won by attacking the bad knee and rolling out. THIS RULED! They did a cage door bonk on the knee, which is new. The Family locks them in the cage and Sister Abigail sends Jericho on his way for a bit - well, if you're going to do something stupid, do it on your last night for a while.

Mr. Kane and Seth talked about how excited they are for the season premiere of Raw. The Authority's room is very blue, and now Orton's talking about season premieres. Orton asked for permission from HHH do take Reigns out - what a badass. Dolph's out looking somewhat nice in a black blazer, black shirt, and wearing the IC Title as a belt. Dolph referenced the Fappening. Oh God, now we're getting more Photoshop comedy with Dolph and Miz. Nope - just photos of Miz with a face mask and shaving his chest. Miz and Mizdow came down and then we got a blurred shot of Miz's ass being spray-tanned.

Cole hyped up Total Divas being E'S MOST-WATCHED SEASON 3 PREMIERE IN NEARLY THREE YEARS! Nattie and Rosa are facing AJ and Paige. Nattie has revamped short shorts. Nattie and Rosa got a double suplex on Paige. Paige lustfully straddled Rosa for the headbutts. Paige missed a legdrop then went OWWWWW! AJ tags in by smacking Paige's breast - okay then. Black Widow gets the win. AJ grabbed the belt and kissed it, leading to Paige kissing it longer. This is one bizarre softcore lesbian porno.  Jericho met with a trainer, and then ate a beating from Orton, who said he did it because it's the season premiere.

Paul Heyman fears no Thuganomics FOR HE IS THE ADVOCATE FOR THE CONQUERER! Cena came out before Heyman could divulge CONFIDENTIAL INFORMATION. A fan in the front row actually wore a Best For Business shirt. Heyman said that Cena was the best WWE Champion ever UNTIL SUMMERSLAM, subtly saying that Brock is the best ever. Heyman tells Cena how to beat Brock at NoC, but Cena doesn't need Heyman's help - he'll do it by NEVER GIVING UP. Cena put over that Taker hasn't been heard from since WM, while he challenged Brock a week after being beaten. Wow. This would actually make for a fine setup for Taker-Cena at WM 31.Heyman tells him that there has to be a time when he wants to tell a fan to shut up after a Cena Sucks - begging him to go to the dark side JUST ONCE! "YOU DON'T NEED TO SELL YOUR SOUL TO THE DEVIL – THE DEVIL SOLD HIS SOUL TO ME LONG AGO!" Heyman is so great - this went on a bit long, but he made it compelling. Cena yelled SHUT Paul Heyman and then cut a long promo on him. Kinda surprised "wifebeater" didn't get a pop. He tried getting "BE JOHN CENA, REPEAT" over. No. Cena LIKES BEING THE GUY WHO GETS KIDS TO DO THEIR HOMEWORK EARLY SO THE KID CAN GO TO RAW! Are they going to re-record Steamboat's "Family Man" song so Cena can come off like a bigger pussy? The purple heart stuff was nice though - a wounded veteran gave him his purple heart, which makes for a nice story whether it's true or not. Now he's just going on and on. After several centuries, Cena got to the point - he wants Brock in the ring next week. And if he can't get Brock, the baddest man on the planet, he'll kick the ass of his nearly 50 year old manager.

Sheamus facing Seth...for some reason, in a match with no hype despite it being US Champ vs. Mr. MITB. They did a few moves before Cesaro came down for a break. JBL says that Cole talks like a donkey, which he takes as a Shrek reference. Post-break chinlock from Seth. Cesaro grabbed the belt again, leading to a a tug of war over the belt after a distraction schoolboy got 2, and a corner kick set up the worst curb stomp yet for the win. So Mr. MITB can't even beat the U.S. Champ clean. Cesaro kicked his ass afterwards. Henry-Rusev recap. Lana sang the national anthem and edited it for Rusev. Cole buried the star saying that it's easy to do -why can't WWE do it? The Russian national anthem is so awesome. JBL hates the Russians expressing their freedom of speech. NXT Takeover hype vid aired. KENTA IS ON MY TV ON RAW! They're actually doing an NXT tag match tonight with the 4-way competitors...and not giving it a graphic. 

Things get worse when the guys GET NO INTROS. Tyson's got new bright yellow shorts with the NXT Title on them ala Rude. Crowd does not give a shit about this beyond Zayn getting an OLE chant. I can't believe how badly WWE is fucking up just the simple stuff with this NXT tag. Cole talked about KENTA being in NXT and being such a big deal that Hogan went to Japan to sign him. Neville kicked the fuck out of Breeze and got a standing moonsault for 2. Neville won with the Red Arrow on Breeze - this was fun beyond some botches and a really poor presentation overall. They at least told you reasons to care about NXT Takeover though, and showed some reasons why. 

Steph came out to introduce TV ICON JERRY SPRINGER like a babyface. Brie has a new kind of bad theme. It starts with Brie Mode and then become on hold music. They talked and talked and talked and showed clips and talked and showed Total Divas clips and talked and talked. My KENTA Edit is coming along nicely for FPR stuff later. "I'm having a really hard time figuring this out." SO ARE WE MRS. BELLA! Their younger brother JJ BELLA is here! JJ BELLA - he gets the Total Divas theme and has skinny jeans to match. They had a wacky catfight brawl. Nikki's skirt flew up and Brie's pants fell down revealing some crack.  "This is humiliating." This, THIS is the low point for Jerry Springer. At least he was wacky being wheeled away. 

Gold and Stardust came out, leading to an Uso promo on "Gold and Stardust". The Cosmic Twins win with Dark Matter. At least this match finally gave them a name. They had a tribute to Joan Rivers. Lou Thesz didn't get a tribute video, but Joan Rivers does. It came off as fairly corny, but hey, they've got video and photos involving her, might as well do one. Bunny-Slater got a recap. Rose faces Titus again for God knows what reason. Slater jumped after the bunny, ate a superkick and the Party Foul beat Titus. Cole said Slater ATE THE RABBIT'S FOOT! Bunny splash off the top to Titus. Rosita's back as a Rosebud in cute red shorts. Roman talked about how. Orton is. The Viper. He is. The Venom. But Roman Reigns. Is the Antidote. Brock recap set up an announcement that Brock will be on the show next week. Main event time. This third hour has dragged terribly.

Henry and Rusev have an arm wrestling match on SD. They did nothing until Orton bailed for a break. Reigns ate offense, got some, ate a superplex, and they went to a break. PAINT BY NUMBERS! (clap clap clap clap) OH THANK GOD, A POST-BREAK CHINLOCK! JBL talked about the bunny superkicking Slater during this main event match. Orton powerslam gets 2. Reigns gets some offense and hits the sliding basement kick. Orton avoids a shoulder charge with his jumping cradle and then the 3.0 for 2. Orton gets another powerslam for a 2.9. Reigns counters the RKO and hits the Superman punch. Seth, Kane, and security came down to cause a DQ in the main event. Orton demanded the cage be brought down so...they could somehow lower the cage with controls they were nowhere near. The guys were there to guide the cage into his pegs - which I never noticed until now. We'd better be getting Orton-Reigns in a cage at the PPV. Orton eats a spear. Okay, so maybe we won't be getting that match. SETH DIVES OFF THE CAGE...just like we saw in the opener. What is this? Impact? Orton hit Reigns with a chair a ton. I like the falling chairshot to the back of Reigns - that should make it into a game. I'm just exhausted by the show tonight - honest to God tired after watching it. Seth nailed Roman with a curb stomp on the chair at 11:12 - over three hours into a show that would not end. Orton's mouth got busted open somehow.

Screens -

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