Monday, September 1, 2014

WWE Raw 9-1-14

Jericho's out for the Highlight Reel and JBL buries this as being boring already and calls him out for being desperate. NINE NINETY-NINE MAGGLE, ONLY NINE NINETY-NINE! Authority comes out with Orton, and ORTON'S IN A SUIT. This is dragging - shocked that we're only 3 minutes into the show. Jericho makes a lawyer joke and HHH buries Jericho for being stuck in the past. They talked and talked and talked and shilled the network and talked and talked. Jericho, the face...playing into the heel's plans to plug the network. HHH said PLANS COULD CHANGE for the number 1 contender's match - or they just make it a 3-way to beat someone. Okay - make it a three way. Perfect, you can have Orton job. PLEASE GOD NO NOT KANE! Seth wants this too. Well, he got a huge pop for it. Jericho wants the shot now too. Jericho's face of shock when Cena's theme hit ruled. Cena makes sure to reference the #halloffameforum - good boy, and bringing up that he made HHH tap at WM 22, which you can see for only $9.99. Enough.

Cena said that he'd sue HHH for not getting the title shot and become COO and then fire HHH. Um, what? Everyone said more words. Holy Christ. Roman came down to hopefully talk some more. Yup - he did, and they showed the three faces against the four heels, so I guess we'll get a 6-man tag tonight. Good to see the Savage and Flair cosplayers spend a total of $20 total on their outfits. HHH went ahead and made the 6-man tag - yippee. So the winner gets added to the title match, I guess. Cole hyped up ONE OF THE LARGEST TAG MATCHES IN HISTORY! Just like last week, and the week before that! Dolph and Sheamus face Cesaro and Miz next. Dolph has replaced his hair with spaghetti noodles.

Sandow's back out as Miz's sidekick. Cesaro did the heartstopper elbows to Dolph, leading to Miz, in shades on the apron, pumping his fist and pointing. Miz also has a makeup artist - I love this gimmick so much. Miz got a big boot to Dolph, but he tagged out to Sheamus leading to the chest beats thing. King said he appreciated movie stars - over the past day, I bet he has. FALLAWAY SLAM WITH A BRIDGE! I'll have to give Cesaro that in FPR. Dolph and Ziggler tagged in and Dolph did speedy things to his face. Shouldn't Miz at least be selling the face since he's taking a ton of shots to it? Miz sent Sandow in, the ref told him to get out, he didn't, ate a Zig Zag, and then Dolph ate a Finale. So that wasn't a DQ why? Bella recap coming up - fuck this. That was honest-to-God sub porno-level acting. Nikki had a Growing Up Bella video package. Brie stole her high school prom date. Okay then.

Eva Marie is on Iron Man's cover, and in a 6-diva tag. I can't figure out who the heels and faces are on these teams. They did nothing for a while, then a brawl broke out and the heels...I think were taken out. It took two people eons to get Eva into position for a double dropkick. Eva Marie has no business being in a ring. Ambrose-Seth recap. Wyatts-Show/Henry are up next. Faces out first, heels out next. King said he wrestled the Tank Brothers - Sherman and Septic! The crowd did a Sexual Chocolate chant, leading to ANOTHER NETWORK PLUG. This match is usually good - it's not bad, but the crowd's dead. Lana and Rusev came out after a few minutes of action. Lana to start the Nyett Family? Show superkicked Harper to the floor, but ate a dropkick to the knee that was just barely visible sending him into the barricade - it looked like Show just decided to tackle himself into the barricade. LOL at the "I COULD BE WATCHING NITRO FOR ONLY $9.99" signs. They did more moves and got another Sexual Chocolate chant. Rowan slammed Show for 2. Cole sent LOOKIT!LOOKIT!LOOKIT!LOOKIT!LOOKIT! for Rusev coming in to kick Henry. This really sucked - the match didn't click at all. Cole informed us that we're going to hear more about Growing Up Bella - thank God for the Gunvolt games. Brie's always been "self-cenry". They got a car at 16 and stole Nikki's license - getting into an accident with it. Cena clips of him killing the Wyatts are coming next apparently.

They invited Michael Sam to Raw next week to give him an open mic. The way they presented this, it was almost done like it was a certainty, but not quite. Cena ass-whooping recap. Heyman's out and said that Brock will destroy Cena even more than he did at NoC. HE IS THE BEAST AND THE CHAMPION OF THE WORLD! This was good, but uninspired. Zeb returned with Swagger, facing someone - I can only assume he'll job to the eagle. Nope - Axel's his opponent, and they recapped Swagger losing on SD thanks to Bo. After maybe a minute of action, Bo came out and he's on stage with stools. Crowd is giving no fucks. Axel tapped and Bo talked IMMEDIATELY. Bo brought out Americans who Jack let down at Summerslam, and bet double or nothing on the rematches - THE BANK IS TAKING HIS FAMILY'S FARM! Some other guy wants to be tailor and will now be deported, and the chicks kid now wants to be like Putin. Well, that got the show closer to the grave.

Rose is facing Titus for God knows what reason. Heath did the dog bark, so the bunny hopped.  Bunny shook his ass, but Heath shoved him down and then the bunny double-legged him. Rose wins via a distraction cradle. Cole and JBL quoted Looney Tunes. "We've got some serious stuff tonight with the Bella twins." Nikki did Brie's exams for her so Brie would graduate high school. Rusev faces someone next.  Lana mocked Labor Day as another day to celebrate a day off. She said America and labor day sucked, and then Rusev killed Ryder. Henry came down to save the show. He got a huge USA chant and cut a great promo on Rusev. Steph talked to HHH, who I think sucked up so she'd stop talking.

OH GOD MORE BELLA RECAPS! Steph and her lip gloss came out to talk. She declared herself ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL FEMALE LEADERS IN THE WORLD! Nikki and her giant breasts came out in a dress. A boring chant started within seconds - a new record. Brie came down and Steph demanded a theme change...and speaking the truth about no one caring about Brie's opinion. Brie said NICOLE sold her out for a divas title match. Nikki said she sees through Brie - and while you can't see through Nikki, you can see her nipples through her top. Nikki said Brie would just be a memory. #somememory vs. #thosemammaries AJ said she's the contender, leading to Paige coming out. Paige's facial expressions were amazing just grabbing the mic. Then Nikki told Brie to quit and Paige just made faces. QUIT LEAVE GO DOITRIGHTNOW QUITLEAVEGODOITRIGHTNOW! Nikki and Paige were shoved down and AJ skipped with the belt. Steph and AJ did a staredown that was like Hogan and Andre size-wise.

Dolph appears on Miz TV on Main Event, and next week's Raw has Jericho-Wyatt in a cage. Bray cut a nothing promo about it. Usos are out. It's Jimmy against one of Gold and Stardust. Goldust. Jimmy gets an assalanche and superkick, but Stardust prevents the pin and eats a dive. Goldust wins with the Final Cut, hopefully setting up a Dust Bros. tag run again. Dust Bros killed the knee too, and the main event heels talked backstage. They plugged Total Divas. Henry and Show talked about Rusev - Henry's gotta take Rusev out before they can get the tag belts. HENRY IS A MAN AND DON'T NEED NO HELP! HHH and Steph came out for YET ANOTHER ENTRANCE to kill time. Cena's out, they go to a break. Christ, the face intros aren't even done yet. Brie faces Paige on SD, and Orton-Reigns II is on Raw as well. Seth wears black and silver, so of course his tron colors match Cena's shirt. According to King, Cena's dead-set on revenging what happened at Summerslam. Thanks Michael Scott. Reigns got an edge and the crowd changed for Rollins, which King tried to sell as the crowd wanting Rollins in there with Reigns. They had a new Michael Sam graphic. That graphic all but said Michael Sam would be there, but they said he still had to accept. Wow. Cole's acting like the NOC match is still Brock-Cena, while King and JBL are saying it's still about impressing HHH - so which is it? Orton made a save off the Walls, which Jericho didn't see on the tron. Superman punch to Orton. Flying knee from Seth hits Cena after an AA to Kane. Jericho got a Codebreaker before a break. They argued about whether Cena's got a shot or not. The main event storyline is now that you should buy the WWE Network to maybe or maybe not see plans change. Jericho was the face in peril while Cena made wacky faces until tagging in. AA to Kane, and then Roman gets in and hits a spear for the win. Cena jaw-jacked with HHH and then AA'd Seth on the announce table like it was nothing. Welcome to your hometown, Seth.

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