Monday, September 15, 2014

WWE Raw 9-15-14

Raw opens with Paul Heyman mid-ring to cut a promo. He says he's got a preview for the PPV and STARTS SINGING CENA'S THEME. Comes out in black shorts. Cena's whole intro took longer than Heyman's promo to that point. Cena asked where Brock was, and he said that would depend on the LEGAL DEFINITION OF WHERE, BECAUSE HIS FATHER, YOU SEE WAS A LAWYER! Heyman says he wants the people to pay $9.99 for the Network to see a fight, but if JOHN WANTS TO GIVE IT AWAY FOR FREE, FINE. ON MONDAY NIGHT SEPTEMBER 15, 2014, IT WILL BE JOHN CENA VERSUS THE CONQUERER! Heyman said that Brock wasn't here - he doesn't like people, so he flies private planes, and it hasn't arrived yet. Cena threatens the near-50 year old manager. CENA IS TIRED OF WAITING, but he'll wait 80 more minutes. Okay then. OH MY GOD, IT'S ONLY 8:08. Jesus is this dragging. Seth-Roman happens later tonight, despite already being announced for the PPV. Jericho came out and King said he's not sure if Raw could start any better than with Cena putting Heyman in a headlock, and Jericho's facing Kane. Holy 1999.

In a WWE APP EXCLUSIVE, John Cena forced Heyman into his locker room, while having Khali stand guard. JBL put over THE ACTION NEVER STOPS. It's 8:16 - the action is just now beginning. Jericho did the triangle dropkick and then DOVE OFF THE TOP TO THE FLOOR, so I guess his knee's fine and dandy. Then after this, THEY DID HOLDS. Long, boring holds. Kane did a sideslam, and they went to a break. I think I need to start doing some vacuuming or something. Maybe dust a bit. JBL said that KANE DOMINATED ON THE BREAK. Further proof that the action does indeed stop. Kane got 2 off a sideslam and went for a flying something off the top, but Jericho countered with a dropkick. More nothing moves. Crowd's dead. Jericho's bloody, so the ref tried to check it with gloves, but didn't have time while Kane took the pad off the buckle. Ref sees the pad is undone, does...nothing other than point at it. Jericho counters a chokeslam with a DDT and got 2. Big boot gets 2. END. THIS. FUCKING. MATCH. Lionsault, but Kane catches him for a chokeslam. Jericho shoves him into the exposed buckle and gets a schoolboy for 3. If Jericho says he had the best match of the night here, ever, he's full of shit. Heyman, who has a camera man in there since I guess Khali let him him, couldn't get ahold of Brock. That stupid $9.99 ad aired.

An ad hyping up SD aired. CAN THEY STAY THE COURSE!? ON SMACKDOWN!? Shouldn't be a problem. Cole said that SD was #1 for 15 weeks - IT WAS #1 ALL SUMMER! SD's arm wrestling bit was recapped to set up the NoC match some more. Mark Henry is going to rally America on Raw tonight. They showed a high-jumper talking about this since he's a former Olympian. I hope Kurt Angle sent in one of these videos. Renee met with Roman and asked him to view footage of himself being attacked by Rollins and Orton. "I started in WWE two years ago with two brothers. Now I stand alone. One versus all. My plan is simple. Ball up this fist and hit him as much as I can until my knuckles bleed." This was better than usual, but not good. Swagger's facing Bo tonight? IS ANYTHING ACTUALLY BEING SAVED FOR THE PPV!? Cole plugged the Austin podcast at "podcastdotcom". Amazing plug.

Match started with Swagger shoving Bo in the corner, and then the feed went bad for a sec. WE THE PEOPLE/WE BOLIEVE chant broke out. They did moves. Bo got a neckbreaker and 2. Bo got some 9 to 5 knees to the face, which I need to give him in FPR. Bo missed a flying something. Bo went for a bo-dog, badly, and it was countered after some goofy stuff into an ankle lock for the win. If you buy the Network now, YOU CAN GET ALL 13 EPISODES OF WWE SLAM CITY! IN A MARATHON EVEN. Holy Christ. Divas tag is next, BUT FIRST A SPRINGER RECAP! Hour 1 is nearly over - thank God.

Divas tag is up. The divas title in just black and pink looks shockingly decent. "BRIE MODE! YEAH BRIE!" What a song. Chicks did moves for a bit. Things got great when Paige came in and grabbed Brie's hand to mock a tag to AJ, then she blew a kiss with it. Paige beat Brie with the Rampaige. Paige's ass was the highlight of this match by far. Nikki hit the rack attack on Brie after the match. SD 8 man tag recap led to Bray talking. He faces Don't try this at home ad.

Heyman talked to Mr. Khali and begged him to allow him to make a call. A terrible bit followed wit Khali destroying Paul's clearly fake phone that had the printed-on screen visible at all time. Well, no wonder it didn't get reception! Bray ate a ton of bodyblows, but ht the knee to get an edge. Bray did a chinlock and some morons chanted Husky Harris. Bray hit the bodyblock. Show got the Final Cut, but the Family attacked for a DQ. How satisfying. This DQ didn't do much to breathe life into the show. Screwjob gets covered in the Monday Night War tomorrow.

Dust Bros attack recap. Usos team with Sheamus agaiinst Cesaro and the Dust Bros. They've got some goofy Be a Star anti-bullying app. JBL says he watches the Network during the show, and then Stardust meowed. They also called him Cody here. Cesaro did Sheamus's clubbering bit to an Uso. Cesaro fakes out a swing and gets a double stomp and a Cesaro lift for 2. Stardust scratched the Uso's chest...despite him wearing gloves and the Uso wearing a shirt. JBL gave birthday wishes to Tafty and Teddy Long. Sheamus comes in and dives on the pile on the floor. Cesaro got 2 off the Neutralizer due to a save, but got beat by the Usos. Well, at least Cesaro's winning the title. Rollins attacking Dean recap.

The PPV pre-show will have the Peep Show with Jericho. Henry clips aired, and Lana's tweet about Henry aired. OH GOD MORE TALKING. With Renee and Randy too. Clips of the beating last week aired, and he promised to deliver the beating. Of his life. Orton was called The Liper by Cole. Cena bulled Heyman and dragged him to the ring. Cena threatened to beat Heyman's teeth out of his head. Heyman said this was the Cena he wanted to see. Heyman said CENA COULDN'T BE A BULLY, despite him being one all night. Heyman said he wanted Cena to be a Paul Heyman guy. They kept going on about Cena hating Heyman, why? All he's done is manage a guy who opposes Cena. Heyman talked about Cena's mom wanting a boy, with testicles, and Heyman got hit. Brock hopped out belt in tow! Brock walked around and eventually came in. Cena, the face, jumping Brock. Brock Germaned him, just like at Summerslam. Cena jumped him again and got an edge. Cena fighting...kind of like a little sister, going for anything that might remotely hurt. Cole said DO YOU BELIEVE IN JOHN CENA NOW!? A Network ad hyped up the PPVs with historical clips, and reality TV stuff.

A Steph in Shape Magazine feature aired. Cameron faces Naomi, and they each got jobber intros. It's so bizarre to act like the events of Total Divas happened last night. This started with the world's worst Frye-Takayama deal. Cameron went for a pin without the shoulders on the mat. Cameron's leading the match here. Why, I have no idea. A JBL chant broke out. She locked on a seated surfboard variant for a century or two. Cameron kicked her right in the cookie to counter a corner jumping thing. OH GOD A CHINLOCK. Naomi countered a sunset flip with some sort of wacky head and arm lock before the full headscissors part was on.

Miz and Mizdow came out to once again face Dolph and R-Ziggler. King is suddenly a fan of Miz and hates Dolph, which Cole points out makes no sense and is coming out of nowhere. Dolph beat Mizdow with the Zig Zag after eons of heel commentary from King. Rollins cut a bad promo and impersonated a monkey. Possible future WWE Champion. Their match is apparently next, despite the Henry thing still coming and it only being 10:35.

Roman's out first, followed by Seth. Roman just did moves until tossing him over the announce table. Superman punch, Seth gets a cradle, but turns it into the kneeling superkick for 2. Super Samoan drop turned into a RUNNING CORNER TO CORNER BUCKLE the small guy to the giant dude. Roman hit a spear after avoiding the curb stomp and won. Cole said rumor has it, the win was dedicated to Dean. How could that be a rumor? Shouldn't that be fairly easy information to find out just by asking Roman?

Henry came out, got whatted despite them planting flags in the crowd, cut a generic promo after being asked stupid questions, and Rusev came down with Lana. Lana buried Obama, and buried Henry for failing at the '92 Olympics while Russia won. THEY SHOWED THE 1992 RUSSIAN WINNER. Oh my God. So sad she also didn't hype up Fedor and Karelin Loved Henry chucking Rusev for a bit. Loved Henry powering out of the Accolade. This was okay, but didn't need to close the show.

Screens -

1 comment:

  1. Did you know that you can generate dollars by locking selected areas of your blog / site?
    To begin you need to join AdWorkMedia and embed their content locking widget.